Top Three Ways To Piss Off My Toddler

Baby Boy Crying

My son turned one earlier this month, and he’s wasted no time transitioning to everyone’s favorite toddler milestone: temper tantrums. I’ve quickly learned that there are three distinct (and daily) activities that are sure to set him off:


1. Pry his fingers away from his penis during diaper changes.

Well, it’s officially begun—my son’s lifelong fascination with … his own penis. Literally the moment the diaper comes off, the fingers goes on—and stay on. He keeps a death grip on that thing, then pulls on it like it’s his own personal Stretch Armstrong. (Seriously, it looks painful.) I literally have to pry away his fingers, one by one, then slap a new diaper on at warp speed before his tiny hands have a chance to boomerang back down there. And boy, does that piss him off … bad. He’s particularly vile during poopy diaper changes, when his penile exploration results in shit all over his fingers and then I not only have to remove his hands, but clean them too (I know, I’m soooo mean).


2. Stop him from repeatedly pinching my neck skin during bottle feedings.

There are several features about myself that I like—my eyes, my lips, my butt, to name a few. However, my double chin is not one of them. Yet, it’s this very feature that enthralls my little man during bottle feedings. He absolutely loves to jam his thumb and pointer finger into the folds of my neck and pinch, pinch, pinch with painful force. And since he can never sit still long enough for a decent nail clipping, his fingernails feel like tiny daggers stabbing me in the neck. Oh, and the kicker? He laughs. Yep, he likes to laugh at my double chin while pinching it. I’m being bullied by my own son. Awesome.


3. Wipe his face after meals.

At the end of every meal, my son can usually be seen showcasing a goofy grin as globs of food drip down his face—but that smile evaporates the instant he sees me approaching his highchair with my weapon of choice: a wet washcloth. (I know—the horror!) And once my weapon actually makes contact with his face? The screams—oh, the screams. I may as well be chucking a pot of lava onto his face. I’ve tried warm water, room temp water, cold water, washcloths, wet wipes, paper towels … all are equally terrifying to him.


Do you have a new toddler at home? What are some of the ridiculous reasons he or she likes to throw a fit? I’d love to hear them!


Photo by Dustin Iskandar (Creative Commons)








1 Comment
  • Barbara Gibson
    August 14, 2015

    I love reading about Hendrix. He is certainly one of a kind with his own personality and he’s a perfectly normal little stinker. Just love him and enjoy him.

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